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How do I deal with being bisexual? I was learned from church that this is not good or tolerated. I doubt myself and feel bad for being sexually attracted to woman. It is not an all the time kind of thing. I do not go out and look for women or have dated one. I have done some experimenting with M-F-F threesomes, but I was not sober and did not feel good about those experiences. The one time I was sober the woman was not my type and my husband at the time basically forced the situation seeing it as a wife is supposed to do whatever the husband says.

I know I have these feelings and it does cause me some confusion. I know without a shadow of a doubt I love men and that is who I want for a loving committed relationship.

Just the whole me being bi raises lots of questions for me. Like do I act on this, do I just deal with how I feel and try to get over those feelings? When I see woman being sexual together it arouses me and I know I do not have to do it, even if I want to.

I have no idea how to pick up a beautiful woman. I am not the male part in the role and I don’t want a dominant partner. I am about beauty, seduction, passion and the physical sensations two woman share. Personally I think a woman kisses better than a man does, it feels more sensual for some reason.

I would be perfectly happy with my boyfriend alone, just wondering how to deal with my own sexuality.

I see that in your past you took part in sexual situations where you had very little control. Alcohol affected your judgement and it certainly seems that your husband at the time pushed you to do things you were not interested in. To me this is totally unacceptable. It is one thing to suggest or to encourage someone to participate in sexual activities they are not prepared or interested in, but ultimately each individual should be able to determine what they want or do not want to do and their decision should be respected. If you and your partner have a difference of opinion over such matters than you are at an impasse and need to figure out together if it is a ‘make it or break it’ issue in your relationship. It is not about who is right or wrong, but about how we each have our own feelings and desires and sometimes those things are not compatible.

As for your concerns over your bisexuality, I can appreciate that what you learned in your upbringing makes you feel bisexuality is wrong. Same sex attraction is seen as wrong by certain religious groups and this can have an effect on us and our own identities if we are in fact gay or bisexual. Shame and confusion are common feelings. To get a better sense at what the current research says about bisexuality and to learn more about how people feel about the issue I suggest you check some of the resource websites as well as support groups such as Bisexual Resource Center and Bisexual Foundation.

It is a common myth that bisexual people must be involved with both men and women at the same time. One can be bisexual and monogamous. Open relationships are not a default arrangement for bisexuals. Sexual orientation is about who we are attracted to, not how many partners we have or even who they are. We do not have to act on our each and every one of our attractions. If someone is heterosexual and in a monogamous relationship, they do not necessarily pursue other opposite partners outside their relationship. It is the same situation for bisexuals. Just because you are attracted to men and women it does not mean you have to have sex with both men and women or have relationships with both men and women. If you feel better being in a monogamous relationship with a man, that is just fine.

As for how you deal with your own sexuality and your attractions you have options. Fantasy can be useful. It allows us to explore our desires in a safe manner. Journaling, masturbating, reading erotica or watching porn can be used as outlets for your desires without compromising your monogamy. Repressing it will not be helpful. It will just reinforce your negative feelings.

If you do decided to pursue a same sex partner you should look past your ideas of typical male and female roles. When it comes to romance and sex the stereotypes of who is the seducer and who is to be seduced are not bound by gender. Yes, cultural stereotypes do play a role for some people, but I find it has more to do with individual personality traits and the situations you find yourselves in.

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