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Recently, I discovered that despite what she allowed me to think in the past, my wife has never had the pleasure of me giving her an orgasm. She’s had orgasms while with me but until she informed me the other day I never realized I was failing her in this regard.

She’s always stimulated herself during actual intercourse. “I’ve always done it myself, but YOU have never given me an orgasm” were her words I made the grand mistake of assuming that was the way she liked it and left “well enough” alone. Well boy do I feel like an idiot, I should have known better than to assume ANYthing and I should have been paying better attention to the most wonderful person in my life … ANYway enough self-recrimination, I fucked up, forgot to shower my queen of a woman with the attention and adoration she deserves. Now I’d like to remedy this situation and here is where the email to you comes in ..

Right away I knew I didn’t have enough information to stimulate her in a way she might like, I had no idea where to start. I’d never asked her. So I asked, unfortunately she responded
“I know this isn’t fair but I kind of need you to figure it out, I need you to know and do without me directing you like a traffic cop”

Fair enough I say. It would be a bit troublesome to hear “no that’s not it .. to the left and down” .. or some such thing while I learn .. SO while I don’t expect to go into the bedroom and know it all in a short time, I know that I’ll need to learn what my wife likes. But in the meantime .. could you help me find out what WOMEN like? My sexual experience is pretty limited, I’ve been married to the same lady since high school and I’ve had 3 partners in that time. And this is the first time I have been confronted with the possibility that I have failed to give a partner orgasm.

Jeff

I have to admit I am disappointed to hear that his wife is leaving her orgasm in his hands without giving him any explicit insight into what she likes or responds to best. Now he has to play a guessing game. While that might be enjoyable if they both are in the mood for experimentation, I worry that if they are not they will be even more frustrated than he was before he was informed of the situation. Talk about pressure!

I really feel open communication is key to having a satisfying sex life. To everyone reading this, your partner cannot read your mind. Do not assume that he or she can read your body’s reaction to know exactly what pleases you. Do not fake orgasms. If you need specific stimulation you need to speak up. If you don’t voice your needs then you will end up feeling frustrated and resentful. When your partner does find out that things were not as you made them out to be he/she will feel disappointed and possibly angry. That obviously does not make for a good sex life.

Now, for the case of this particular couple, I do not think asking the husband to figure things out on his own is a fair thing to do. Perhaps, the wife cannot find the words to explain what she would like. Maybe she only has a sense of what she likes to do to herself and does not know what she wants her partner to do to her in order for her to climax. Well, if this is the case, it needs to be addressed. Perhaps some show and tell is in order. A mutual masturbation session can allow them to learn together what she likes and give him a sense of what to do. Experimenting with different techniques and forms of touch would also be helpful as long as she gives some helpful feedback about what she does and does not enjoy. While orgasm may be their goal just spending the time to share with each other their turn-ons could be very satisfying and build some trust between them. Taking a “go away and learn on your own” approach will not encourage their connection and sense of intimacy.

If the wife continues to state that she does not want to be involved, then the husband can become a keen observer of what she does to herself when they have sex. He can become a voyeur and focus on how she touches herself. How many fingers does she use? What position does she place her hand in? What is the speed and pressure of her stimulation? Then he can try to simulate her touch with his own hand or do something similar with his mouth and tongue. Of course, he won’t know for sure if she is getting her off unless she gives some feedback. Again the ball falls back in her court.

Partnered sex is something you need to be an active participant of and you as individual have to take responsibility for your own pleasure and orgasm even if your partner is helping to bring that about. The saying “it takes two” so aptly applies when it comes to satisfying partnered sex.

Now for some concrete advice on technique – everyone is different. Some women prefer a gentle touch, others something more forceful. I personally rarely have an orgasm for oral stimulation. I need something stronger and less wet like a vibrator or fingers. However, for some general, but extensive suggestions check out Violet Blue’s The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus and The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio. Another excellent book is Orgasms for Two: The Joy of Partner Sex By Betty Dodson. I suggest that both the husband and the wife read these books. They can discover together new and interesting ways for them to enjoy themselves and get back on track to mutual pleasure.

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