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I thought that I had a really great open honest relationship with my husband, until I walked in on him one night. I explained that I don’t care if he looks at porn as long as he’s not looking at “real” people that he could go meet with. (Not trying to hurt your feelings). The only thing that I wanted was for him to tell me when he looked at it so that 1) I wouldn’t find it and flip out and 2) We could watch it together.

Well I found new porn on my computer (on my anniversary non the less) and I asked him why he didn’t just tell me about it. And his response was that I had said it was ok and he didn’t feel the need to tell me every thing he does.

But my feelings are that I’m not a Porn Star and no-where near one. I’m not comfortable with my sexuality and it hurts to have him looking at other girls. I mean we are really young (20 and 21) and we have a kid. And to me this is just one more thing that he does that I’m not apart of. And I have no idea how to include myself in it and not get upset about the situation.

ANY advice you have for some one like me would be greatly appreciated because this is causing a huge rift in my seemingly perfect world that all of a sudden came crashing down!

Thanks

I think when it comes to an agreement made between spouses both people involved need to do their best to live up to the agreement and be accountable if they break the agreement. However, I am not sure if in your situation that the agreement you made with your husband was clear to both of you. His response seems to indicate that he had a different understanding than you over his behaviour. You really need to make sure you are on the same page on this matter.

Sit down together and discuss the role you want porn to play in your lives as individuals and as a couple. The timing of this kind of discussion is crucial. You should not try to hash out an agreement or compromise during a fight or a tense time. Pick a time when you can both give your full attention.

You should discuss things in a non-defensive way. Use “I” statements (such as I feel lonely when you look at porn without me), not “you” statements (such as you look at porn because you don’t find me attractive). Make suggestions not demands. Do not assume you know why the other person is doing or not doing something. Do not use threats, sarcasm, name calling, labelling or absolutes. They are not helpful. For some communication skill ideas check out Hot Monogamy by Dr. Patricia Love and Jo Robinson (it also has some excellent suggestions on how to create a more passionate relationship).

A few other thoughts…

You mentioned that you are not comfortable with your sexuality and your appearance. This is something that you need to address both for yourself and for your relationship with your husband. Owning your sexuality is so important. You may not feel in touch with your sexuality, but you have the potential to be as sexy as you want to be. A good book on this subject is Sex for One by Betty Dodson.

Comparing yourself to porn models and performers is not realistic. What you see in porn is a fabricated version of sexual fantasy. In the case of mainstream porn it is highly controlled and stylized. In the case of Amateur porn it is just one part of a regular woman’s life. She also gets bloated, hates doing laundry and all that everyday stuff (some gals in the business like myself share this side of themselves with their viewers, while others choose not to, but that does not mean they don’t have their bad or mundane moments in life).

As a viewer of porn, male or female, it is important to remember that what you are seeing is a commercial version of sex just as romantic comedies are commercial versions of love. They are not real life. Expecting you or your partner to live up to those kinds of fantasies is unrealistic.

Another thing to consider is that men tend to use porn as masturbatory material while women use porn as a springboard to future sex with their partners. Porn is likely not something he wants to look at instead of having sex with you, it is likely something he wants to use simply during masturbation. Men tend to be able to easily compartmentalise this kind of sexual behaviour and they feel it has no bearing whatsoever on their love and desire for their partners.

Telling him not look at porn when he masturbates could be alienating and it may make porn even more exciting for him because you are making it even more forbidden. Just something to consider. Now if he chooses masturbation instead of having partnered sex with you on a regular basis then you have a more serious issue. If that is the case, then speaking to a relationship counsellor might be a good thing to consider.

1 Comment »

  1. I think him looking at porn on the computer is better then him going out and having an affair!

    Comment by Tracy

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